A Painful Exile
by Darth Yuthura
Summary: A revised version of the Exile's trial with GREATLY EXTENDED dialog and emotions. This is NOT just the game's dialog, but original content. It starts at chapter 40 and goes back in time with each chapter. Chapter 39 happens before the Exile's trial, 38..
1. Chapter 40

Chapter 40: The Last Casualties of the Mandalorian War

Chapter 40: The Last Casualties of the Mandalorian War

Describing the force to one who cannot sense it was difficult to do. It would be like describing a sight to the blind or a sound to the deaf. It was a sixth sense to Jedi just as different as smell was to sight, yet it seemed to touch upon them all. It was odd to see so many around who found it so natural to have only their eyes and ears that I envied them... or rather I envied that they could go about their lives and I was struggling just to get by.

Sight was the most significant of the five senses, yet some Jedi have learned to rely on the force more than their eyes. Despite that, the force could never replace sight for the purpose of reading or appreciating a work of art. Light could not be sensed through the force, so a Jedi could never fully substitute their eyes for the mitochlorians in their cells.

Hearing was often a neglected sense, but it resembled the force much more than sight. When you hear a sound, you can only approximate where it came from, but can't navigate without echo location, which I didn't have. Despite its limitations, you almost instantly know danger when you hear it. Unlike eyes, your ears were always active and could not block out unwanted noise.

Losing your hearing due to auditory shock was debilitating and difficult to cope with while danger was going on all around you. Despite being able to see and feel everything around you, blaster fire did not look the same without the sound. Pain felt different without hearing the sound of the explosion or the footsteps behind you that came before it.

The Force was much like sound because it was always active and being deafened to everything was far worse than the unwanted noise. The Force was my most important sense and I could not hear it. There was no pain, yet it felt like I was hurting all over... frightened, deafened, and inferior. It was for that reason that I had to do whatever it took to heal, even if it meant confronting those who said I betrayed them all those years when I was trying to save them. I was not too worried about receiving aid from the Council as much as I was that they could not help me re-establish my connection to the Force.

When I was walked down the hallway and into the Council chamber, only five were present, including Vrook. At least with him were Atris and Kavar, who knew me and would have believed that I did it for the right reasons.

When I was in the center of the chamber, I felt much better just seeing Kavar again that I smiled for the first time in a long while, but it was brief. He maintained a very stoic face, which indicated feelings that he didn't want me to know. Without the Force, I couldn't sense anything from anyone beyond what they chose to show.

Atris, who had begged me not to follow Revan, was giving me a very smug and contemptible look. I left on hard terms with her, but I would have imagined a decade of friendship would have endured what we went through. She was not hiding anything... she wanted me to know she felt superior. Of all the nerve!

After a moment of standing before them, Vrook spoke out in that same tone he used as if just going through procedure. "Do you know why we have summoned you here?"

"I have come of my own accord... not because you summoned me." I did not let him believe that I was under their control, otherwise, it would have been as if I had not returned willingly. I wanted to show that I was willing to face my crimes, but I didn't want it to seem as though I had just run away when things got difficult.

Vrook sat back in his seat. "That didn't answer my question. Do you know why you're here?"

"I do... but I would like to know what you expect from me. Is this a trial or a debriefing?"

Master Vash gave me an answer. "Alexandra Tydings, you were in command of the Republic Fleet that caused the massacre at Malachor V..."

"It was a battle! A battle between two opposing fleets. And yes, I was in command of the Republic fleet." I corrected.

Atris shouted out against me. "You murdered millions who didn't participate in that battle! It was a massacre, and one of which you are responsible for!"

It hurt to hear her attack me like that, but at the same time, she was right to a degree. I knew millions of innocents would die from the mass shadow generator, but I believed it was better than the billions who would have died in a long, drawn out war. Malachor V was a means to keep that from happening.

"It was not by choice that Malachor V was the system to use the mass shadow generator, but by necessity. It was the only system that we could have lured the majority of the Mandalorian fleet into a single system. They chose to enter a sovereign Republic system, knowing the contingencies of war."

Vrook took over. "We are not here to debate military tactics. That weapon is an atrocity and should never have been built, yet you are also the one who both produced and detonated it... are you not?"

"I did, but in..."

Atris went on the offensive again. "That was a war crime. There is nothing that could justify such an act. I don't understand..."

I did not allow myself to be interrupted. "It ended a war! Hundreds of billions of lives were at stake and the attack on Malachor V prevented billions more from dying in a long, drawn out war."

Master Kez Kae Ell entered the debate. "That comes back to the heart of the matter. The Jedi are guardians of the peace. Your call to war undermined all we have worked for."

"War was upon the Republic, whether you chose to get involved or not. When the Mandalorians committed the first overt act of aggression, the Republic asked for aid and you ignored their request. Revan did not."

"And you just thought rushing into battle was the only answer? Every..." Vrook started, but was cut off.

"We waited for the Council to take action far longer than was prudent. I waited for you as long as possible, waiting for you to aid the Republic. In doing so, you allowed the Mandalorian threat to become more dire as the Republic Fleet was being beaten back."

"And now, because of you, the reputation of the Jedi is stained with the blood of the victims of Malachor V." Kez Kae Ell said.

"I'm not going to get into a circular argument, but I won't have any of you believe that there was a better means address the Mandalorian threat." I declared.

Atris countered me with a pointless reason of which she really did not understand, herself. "You didn't take the time to evaluate the threat and Revan's defiance forced us to deal with him instead of the Mandalorians. Had you and the other fallen jedi not supported him, his crusade would have died in its infancy. Now he controls almost a fourth of all the Jedi who were once loyal to the Order."

"You were not part of the Council then Atris... so be silent." I faced Vrook and Vash. "Do any of you ithinki that I wanted to defy you? Do you believe that I wanted to go to war, let alone leave the Order behind. I didn't want to follow Revan, I wanted to support Master Kavar. Had Kavar been selected, Revan and Malak would have stood alone without a standard by which to gather followers."

"So is Revan your master now? You stood under his standard from the very beginning. Even after casting you aside, you still defend him." Atris sat back as if satisfied to say that.

"I stood with Revan for as long as he fought the Mandalorians. Once they were defeated, I left him and came back..." I looked each one in the eye. "...I never wanted to leave the Order, but the Mandalorians had to be stopped. Now that the war is over... I have returned to face judgment."

Vrook snapped back at my sincerity. "You came back because you lost your connection to the force! You want us to heal it because no one else could!"

"No!" I knew that it was not the only reason, but it was the most important reason to me. After a sigh, I spoke the truth. "Yes... but that wasn't the only reason. I intended to return anyway."

Master Vash replied. "If you are sincere about this, there are questions that we need answered. Revan and Malak are still gaining support from other Jedi, but we do not know where they have gone or what their plans are. You were within his circle and should be able to tell us everything we need to know. First: what is the true reason that Revan's forces ventured beyond the Outer Rim?"

I was not informed of anything planned beyond the war and didn't know such answers. "I was never aware of such plans. It was not to pursue fleeing Mandalorian forces, I can say that."

Vash looked disappointed. "I find that difficult to believe you weren't included in such a significant operation. Moving a third of the Fleet couldn't be directed by any one man; wouldn't he have included his closest lieutenants in such plans?"

"Yes. And no, I was not told of any plans because I was longer within his circle. Surely you can't sense any deception from me." I said confidently.

When they didn't answer, Zez Kae Ell asked the next question. "Rumors have been spreading that Revan and Malak have been feeding teachings of the dark side among the Jedi who continue to follow them. Are those teachings sith? If so, where did they acquire such knowledge?"

"I don't know."

"She doesn't know." Vrook mocked me.

"If I knew, I would tell you. Whatever they're doing now was never discussed with me. I thought all of it was going to end when the war was over." I said almost desperately.

Zez Kae Ell was not swayed. "Well then why don't you tell us what you do know?"

I thought a long moment before I could think of something fitting to that question. "Revan and Malak are convinced that they saved the Republic from the Mandalorians. They believe that you, the Council, stopped being Jedi when you started believing yourselves to be more divine than the entire Order."

"It is Revan who had stopped being a Jedi, as did everyone who betrayed us." Atris declared, looking at me.

"To fight in the war was no betrayal. I never forgot my teachings, even at Malachor. I did what had to be done, or billions would have perished. Had I not, I would no longer have been a Jedi."

"You stopped being a Jedi long ago. If you believe that you can evade the consequences of your actions by returning here, you are wrong. In defying the Council, helping Revan wage war, and committing mass murder over Malachor V; you have rejected everything that we stand for." Vrook declared.

I felt as though a dagger had been plunged into my heart when I heard those words. After everything that I sacrificed, they were going to throw me out and say I was responsible for everything that has happened. I was not so concerned of exile as I was in loosing the Force forever. Such fear made me put my hands together and lower my head to beg. "Please... don't do this. I need your aid."

"You have brought this upon yourself. Considering what you've done, you are fortunate to be able to walk out of here." Zez Kae Ell said.

"Please! Exile me... imprison me if you must, but don't leave me in this condition! I beg you!"

"No. She would just join Revan again. If she's beneath his gaze, he'll leave her behind." Atris justified.

I turned to face my once-loyal friend and shouted, voice breaking up. "Shut up! How can you say that?!"

Atris looked upon me pitifully, but remained silent. Then set sat back in her chair, arms folded as if to show contempt and superiority to me. I couldn't understand why she was being so cruel for something that didn't affect her. How could she have been so angry at me?

Kavar had not said anything all session and I couldn't believe he would stand for any of this. I got in front of him to know if he had turned on me like Atris, or if he was just letting things happen without being a part of it. I brought myself to eye level and asked softly, "Master Kavar... please help me. Please tell me at least that you believe me."

Kavar's stoic expression began to break and he looked up to the other masters as if to silently ask them to reconsider, but he turned his gaze back on me. Then he showed a very pained expression and said he was sorry.

I was close to tears, blinking to keep them hidden. There seemed little point anymore, but I didn't want that to be the last thing they saw of me. I moved back to the center of the room and waited to hear their final words.

Zez Kae Ell started the final verdict. "Know that there is no going back on this decision. You have shut us out and so shut yourself out to the galaxy."

Vash stood up and got in front of me to say it directly. "Alexandra Tydings, you are exiled from the Jedi Order. You will not be held on trial for your crimes, but you are banished from here and every other Jedi outpost."

Those words made the tears I was holding back pour from my eyes and stream down my cheeks. It was so painful to have lost everything that mattered to me. Jedi are supposed to have nothing to lose, which was why they didn't allow love or close friendships, but even then they had the force. I was left alone and blind with no where to go and nothing of my life left except the memories to remind me of what I held most dear.

I turned around to leave that place forever, but before I reached the door, I heard Vrook's voice again. "There is one more thing... your lightsabers... surrender them to us."

No, not quite everything. All I had left were the two lightsabers attached to my belt, but I had been ordered to surrender even them. That command filled me with such fury that I shot around and shrieked, "I've already given everything I had! How can you ask for more?!"

Vrook stood up and took Vash's place near the center stone. "A lightsaber is the symbol of the Jedi, a title you are no longer worthy of. Give them to me."

I stared at him in disbelief. Although I didn't really have much sentimental value for my lightsabers, they were all that I had left and I was determined not to lose them. I got in Vrook's face to defy him one more time. "I'm exiled, remember? I don't take orders from you!"

When I turned around to walk away, I heard that geezer's voice again. "You will not carry anything of the Jedi out of here. If you do not give them up willingly, they will be taken from you."

I turned around when I got to the door to the chamber and pulled out the weapons, but not activating them. "Then you'll have to take them, or let me leave." I turned back one last time and went down the hallway, waiting for Vrook to stop me, but nothing happened.

When I was at the opposite entrance, I heard someone coming behind me and I was going to defend myself... there was nothing left to lose anymore. When I activated the sabers, I turned back and crossed their green blades in front to threaten... Kavar? I guess that he was going to try and be the one to convince me to give them up, but I would not trust him again.

He was taken by surprise and almost ran right into the blades. "Alexandra...! Please don't do this."

"Why didn't you defend me?! How could you and Atris have betrayed me?! I never offended either of you... how could you...?!" Saying those words were painful. Kavar was my friend and when I needed him most, he again chose the Council over me. Just the thought made me weep intensly and as I broke down in tears. My arms lost all their strength and were pulled down by the weight of the sabers. Shortly after that, I lacked the strength to hold them at all... slipping from my grip and retracting the blades before clattering on the floor.

Kavar had brought me into an embrace, if only to let me cry on his shoulder. He still regarded me as a friend and somehow, just knowing he still cared meant more than anything else... even if he couldn't defend me. He helped me into a room beyond the Council's sight and sat me down on one of the benches before taking a seat next to me.

For a long moment, there was a painful silence worse than ever I have ever felt. It was almost as though because there was nothing that could be done, there was nothing that could be said. I looked deep into his eyes with my tears clearly visible. "Please... I'm desperate. Living without the force... it hurts."

"I'm sorry, Alexandra, but we can't help you with this."

"Can't... or won't?!" I explaimed with my voice breaking.

He put his hands on my shoulders as if to keep me still. "We can't... because we really don't know what happened to you over Malachor V. We don't even know how you're still alive."

Hearing such things almost increased the magnitude of the pain. The only thing that has kept me alive was the hope that I would hear the Force again. Even that hope was dying. "But why are you sending me away? Because of Malachor? I was just trying to save as many lives as possible."

"I'm... not at liberty to discuss it. I'm sorry."

"Do you think that makes it easier for me?! That it's for a good reason... but you won't tell me what it is?" I shoved him away and stood up to shriek with all the anger I had within the remnants of my soul. "That's exactly what they said before the Mandalorians invaded... and look what happened! Look how many of them followed Revan!"

He stood up and held me close as he rubbed my back and shoulders as if he were my master. He then whispered into my ear, "Once, you told me that the Council lost so many of their followers because they never explained the reason for judgment. You said it was foolish to assume your followers would blindly follow whatever orders you gave. Do you remember that?"

I nodded, my head against his shoulder. "All reason said they were wrong, but they just told everyone to stay calm. Never did they justify their wisdom."

"What if you heard a friend telling you?" He pulled me back to look into my eyes. "Do you trust me enough to believe there is good reason for why we do this? Would you believe me if I tell you that this is in your best interests?"

I showed no confidence to him. How could he expect me to believe such a thing?

"If we could heal you, I would stop at nothing to help you. This isn't punishment... if ever you are to heal, it's not here."

I stared at him as though it would be the last time we would see each other. The sadness in his eyes seemed genuine and I realize that exile was just as painful for him as it was for me. I don't know why, but I felt that there had to be something left worth holding on to. If Kavar said this was for the best, I had to believe he was right, or all hope was lost. Although it was not a thing to value, hope was often all anyone had to hold on to. If there was anything in store for me in my future, it was more than what I had at the moment.

I embraced Kavar as if to say 'yes' in a way that mattered. "I wanted to cast my weapons aside and walk away for the last three years. Maybe now is the time for that." I forced out a chuckle.

He smiled as if to show confidence in a moment of utter gloom. Neither of us were genuinely happy at that moment, but we tried to assure the other that it was alright. "I'll keep your lightsabers safe. If you should find the Force again, they'll be ready for you."

I took the lead and went through the outer door, where my lightsabers had been dropped and I took them both, ready to use them one last time. I didn't how how many deaths were brought by my weapons... I didn't know how much blood was on them, but the blood of two more were about to be added to the list... the two most important to me. The two that were trampled upon by the very ones I wanted to protect.

Kavar followed close behind as we entered the Council chamber, but when he extended his hands to officially take my weapons, I activated them and plunged the blades of energy into the center stone, destroying the symbols of 'truth' and 'justice.' The Council did not have the right to bear them any more than I had the right to bear my lightsabers. I couldn't help but feel as though I were destroying what they represented, but I was well aware that they were not recognized and that I was making the stone tell the truth.

I let go of them and the blades retracted again, hilts tumbling to the floor so that the last casualties of the Mandalorian Wars would forever be remembered. I turned to my shocked friend and spoke calmly, almost to gloat. "I'm sorry Master Kavar, but it doesn't change what has happened here today." After a brief pause to remember his face, I was ready to leave. "When you heal the stone and your hearts, perhaps I will return."

I turned around and never looked back.


	2. Chapter 39

This Chapter takes place directly after the massacre of Malachor V

This Chapter takes place directly after the massacre of Malachor V. The Exile lost unconscious and woke up, unable to hear the Force.

--

I had been tossing and turning in a bed for what seemed to be a week, never in a deep sleep or fully awake. Bao-Dur's voice seemed to break the darkness that I was in, but I could not make out what he had said. I wanted to wake up, but when I tried to open my eyes, it seemed just too much effort that I fell deeper into darkness.

My dreams were so erratic that I could not make out what was going on in my subconscious. It was as though I moved from one place to another, the people I knew, and the details changed while the rest was just a jumble of things I could not make out.

It was like a nightmare that wouldn't end, even in death. Each time the dream was ended abruptly, I woke up to a glimpse of reality and fell back to sleep within seconds, only to wake up again within minutes and never allowing me to get beyond REM sleep. For a long time, the cycle continued until my dreams reverted back to normal and I finally found the utter darkness of deep sleep.

When I finally saw it clear from my mind, I had opened my eyes, but even then, it didn't feel as though I were awake. I felt so weak and tired, but I couldn't stand being in that bed any longer. I sat up, thinking I would feel more energy then, but it was like I were still asleep. My thoughts were distant and I had to focus all my effort into staying conscious and alert.

Someone had exclaimed when he saw me. "Doctor! She's regained consciousness!" The man came over to my side, but I couldn't move my head. "How are you feeling?"

I tried to say something, but the words didn't seem to come naturally, but I forced something out. "I... am alive?"

"Yes. You've been asleep for nearly three days." He said as he put an instrument on my arm the check my pulse. "You're aboard the Ticonderoga. You were injured in the battle."

"No... the mass shadow generator. I saw it... and then..."

Another physician came into my sight, but I didn't know where he was before that. I would have felt him, but I didn't see him until he was in front of me. Why couldn't I sense him?! The lights... the crew... the ship... I couldn't sense anything!

"Are you all right?" The doctor asked.

I was suddenly filled with utter terror and panic beyond anything I've ever felt before. I desperately slid myself off the bed and fell headfirst onto the floor. The pain barely seemed to register and that frightened me even more when I tried rolling onto my feet, but was held down by the male nurse.

"Easy! Calm down."

I never felt such danger in my life that I shrieked in panic. "No! Let go! Let me go!" When the other doctor tried to help him, I would have thrown them off with the Force, but nothing happened. I tried again, but nothing.

Both of them were holding me flat on my back and the doctor tried calming me with hollow words of assurance. "It's alright! You're alright! Remain calm and..."

When the Force didn't come to my aid, I resisted physically and managed to kick the male nurse away and roll out of the grip of the doctor. When I got to my feet, I turned to find a door with only my eyes, but by the time I saw where I could go, he had managed to grab my arms and tried restraining me again.

I fought with everything I had and managed to throw him to the floor. When I turned back for the door, I saw the nurse and ran around to avoid being caught, but he got hold of the hospital gown I was wearing and it grabbed me by the neck. After managing to slide the collar off, I was left clad only in my undergarments, but continued for the door.

Once I was in the hallway, I had run into a Republic officer who cursed at me, but after seeing I was half-naked, he stopped mid-sentence.

I just turned around and kept running... not even knowing where to go. I was disoriented and afraid to stay where I would be caught by that doctor. The halls were filled with Republic soldiers and personnel all staring at me as I ran through in terror. Their general was now a laughing stock, but they stepped out of my way and let me through.

Less than a minute after it all began, I found myself in front of Revan, who seemed to frighten me beyond any means I've ever known. I cowered into a corner, expecting him to kill me as he had Captain Pardon. I was beneath anything he would have tolerated in one of his generals. I was going to die and I could not even bring myself to my feet.

After a long moment of staring... not as a male would, but as if he had something else in store for me. I dreaded what he was about to do, but when he approached, he pulled off his cloak and wrapped it around me. He looked back at the personnel, who had gathered around to see me. "Return to your posts!"

I had taken the cloak and held it tightly as if I were in freezing conditions, but I was truly so terrified that I was trembling. Everything was different and I could not feel the Force, even from the one hovering over me. Instead of standing out like a torch, I saw nothing more than a man in front of me. I must have appeared like a shadow to him.

Instead of what I had come to expect, Revan helped me to my feet and guided me back to the infirmary. The doctor and nurse had followed me, but did not get within two meters of Revan. There was nothing but silence until I was escorted back and given a set of clothing.

Revan stared at me as if he'd never seen a woman before, but I could not understand why. He would not say anything and I was too afraid to ask, but when I was fully dressed, I just couldn't stand the silence any longer. "What's happened to me?"

"Can you still sense the Force?"

I shook my head erratically. "I can't sense anything!"

"Then it's as I feared. You are clearly alive, but I assumed you were masking your presence. In reality... there was nothing of the Force to sense."

"What?" I asked desperately. "Are you saying I'm not sensitive to the Force any longer?!"

"No. There is nothing of the Force within you to sense. It's as though there is nothing but a void in front of me where I see a living, breathing woman."

My jaw hung open at what I just heard. "But that's not possible. How can you not sense me?!" I gestured to myself with my hands as if I had to feel myself to know for sure. "I'm here! I'm alive!"

He gestured me to be silent. "I'm not blind! I know what I can see, but you can't even sense yourself."

"But how?!"

"I had a sample of your blood analyzed and from what we can tell, the mitochlorians in your cells are just as high as they were before, but they've become inert."

"Inert? Which means I'm still... I can be healed... right?"

He didn't give any gestures. "There have been no records of such cases as yours. Without any healthy mitochlorians, there is nothing to start the process of revitalization."

I gasped in fear, but held my mouth closed. I was prepared for the possibility that I would have to undergo rehabilitation for what I had suffered on Dxun, but I was not expecting something so extreme as living beyond death. I was supposed to reach a threshold where there would not be enough mitochlorians to sustain my physical body and anything beyond was death. Approaching that threshold was a frightening thing, but going beyond it and still living was worse than death.

I curled myself into a ball at the head of my bed as if terrorized of myself and laying my head upon my knees and my arms wrapped around my shins. I had suffered a loss greater than anything else I held dear, but my sadness was far eclipsed by my fear. I was close to tears, but would not show any to Revan.

He stood out of his chair. "That Iridonian engineer wanted to know when you regained consciousness. He's on duty, but still under your command. What would you have of him?"

With my head still down, I answered. "Just tell him to fix whatever is broken and move on."

"Will do." Then he walked out of the infirmary without any indication of concern for me. To him, I was just a spent soldier to be left behind. It didn't make sense though why he didn't just leave me out there in my underwear... at least then I would have been entertainment for the crew.

Oh God! I have lost everything I was and didn't even have the Force anymore. And I came to think that I was nothing more than a thing to pity and laugh at. How did it happen?! Why was I still alive?!

I was about to break into tears when I heard the doctor approaching cautiously. "I need to check your vitals. Will you let me?"

"Just leave me alone." I said softly.

"I need to check your vitals." He said in a more commanding tone.

"I don't care. Just leave me alone."

"Very well." Then he went back to his office, but it had a window that didn't give me enough privacy.

I crawled off the bed and sat on the floor to give me more cover from prying eyes, but before I could vent my pain privately, I heard a door slid open and heavy footsteps going towards the doctor's office. When I heard Malak's voice, I curled myself up as tightly as possible as if to be as small as possible from his eyes. But there was no way to escape my fate.

I heard the footsteps approach me and suddenly stop about a meter from where I was curled up and shaking in fear. "How the mighty have fallen."

"Go away." I whispered. A moment later, I felt him trying to probe my mind and I lifted my head to shout at him. "There's nothing wrong with my mind you idiot!"

"You know, I think that's the first time you've ever directly insulted me. Rather ironic... don't you think?" He grabbed me by the neck and forced my head in his direction. "Because I could kill you without a moment's hesitation!"

He didn't realize it, but I had a lightsaber in my hand and he couldn't sense me moving it to his gut. Only when I pressed the hilt against his side did he see both it and my finger on the activation switch. "Try it."

Malak was surprised at how easily I had him at my mercy and drew back quickly, clearly embarrassed at his recklessness. When he was safely away, Malak's smug expression returned as though he had already forgotten what just happened. "It is of no matter. Letting you live will allow you to suffer a long, miserable life. Almost poetic, I think. You were always the one who held true to the saying 'a Jedi's life is sacrifice.'" He lowered himself to his knees. "Now that you've sacrificed everything, can you honestly tell me that it was worth it?"

I stared at him for a long moment, trying not to shed tears, but they came regardless.

"If you had to do it all over again, would you have made such a sacrifice so easily?"

I kept trying to blink back the damn tears, but they were going to come anyway. "No." I said honestly.

He smiled maliciously. "That's what I thought." Then he got up and turned away.

I curled myself back up and waited for him to leave, but I heard the footsteps cease again.

Then he turned around. "Oh... one other thing that may interest you. The news of Malachor V has spread across the Republic. The networks have officially declared it a massacre and your name is attached to it. You are now a war criminal and those millions who died are your victims." He took a sadistic pleasure in telling me that. "Just thought it might ease your mind to know you did exactly what you set out for. Still want to go back?" Then he laughed and turned to leave.

Once the door closed, it was like all my emotional control breached in an instant, violently unleashing an agonizing stream of wailing and tears. I fell on my side and released a deafening wail of pain. Sobbing in agony, I had never felt such torture or loss. Everyone I knew who went into the war with me were gone and I had lived through it. My attempts to save myself by saving the Galaxy have left me suffering beyond death.

Why wasn't I allowed to die?! Why was I forced to do what no one else was willing to do? How could I have saved the Republic and be called a war criminal? Why has the Force abandoned me?!

My unyielding tears and anguished screaming were the sound of ultimate suffering. I hated myself and hated everyone else! Why was I the victim of all this?! By what right did I deserve any of this?! Why can't I escape this pain?!

Despite everything I tried to do, I had the blood of millions on my conscience and nothing I did could change that. The Force had abandoned me and I was helpless. My friends were dead because of me and those I hated were escalated to power. It was all because of me! There was no one else to blame, but it wasn't my fault!

After nearly an hour of endless wailing, a physician hovered over and sedated me... sparing me of the pain for at least a while.


End file.
